For the past 3 years we have walked alongside my mother in law, (known as Grammie) during her battle with ovarian and cervical cancer. She lost that battle on October 26, 2014. I want to thank those of you who have come alongside us during this journery and supported us and prayed for us. Your love and support have been amazing.
I wanted to write this post as a reminder/look back/reference for our daughter and maybe it will help others who are dealing with the passing of a loved one while trying to explain it to a four year old as well. (Although I pray you never have to) My daughter and Grammie have been incredibly close esp for living so far apart. We have tried to be very diligent and forthcoming with our daughter regarding Grammie's passing while trying to be sensitive to a little heart. I have very distinct memories of my sisters birth/death and ensuing funneral. Although I'm not sure how much of it is true memory and how much is through stories/pictures I have seen and heard, I remeber wanting to know and understand every part of the process and the funeral director taking me aside to gently explain things in 7 y/o terms to help me process it all.So I wanted to document as best as I could Grammie's passing in the eyes of a four year old. We had prepped our daughter and ourselves as best we could, but you are never truly ready when it happens. When we told our daughter about Grammie passing, she simply accepted it as fact and went about her activities. She asked a few follow ups like, "Is she in heaven?" "Will I get to see her?" but mainly just accepted it but didn't seem to dwell on it. As time went on she started to ask more questions as her little heart and mind started to process it. Here are some of her questions and thoughts that she voiced to us and our responses:
Why do people cry when someone dies? (This took me by surprise, because I just assumed everyone was automatically sad when someone dies, but to her it wasn't necessarily something to cry about) I explained that people cry because they miss the person and are sad becuase they won't get to see them or hug them again until they get to heaven.
I made a comment to her one day about Gramie being able to see her, looking down from heaven at her. Her response, "She can't see me, I'm inside. She can only see me when I'm outside." hmm-this kid challenges my theology!
How do you get to heaven? An indepth conversation about how only your spirit/soul goes to heaven ensued (I described it as the part of you that thinks/talks/feels and then when you get there God gives you a new body to live in.) but that you body stays behind kind of like a shell. She wanted to know why you couldn't see someone go up to heaven but before I could answer she proceeded to say, "I think you just like blink your eyes and pouf! you are in heaven" Agreed little child!
In the coming days, as we prepared to head to NJ, she started to tell random people, "My Gramie died." In her sweet inncocence she did not realize that is a taboo thing to say, but I let her because I felt like that was how she was dealing with it in her 4 y/o way and she needed to tell people. She also made up a happy song about her Gramie being dead. Again in her mind, it was so matter of fact and so she wanted to sing about it. I so desperately want to hold onto her inocennce and her straight forward approach to dealing with death. So matter of fact and simplistc, not trying to sugar coat it so someone else doesn't feel uncomfortable.
When we arrived to my sister in laws home where Grammie had resided the last few years, we tried to prepare her that Grammie wasn't there anymore and her room had been changed. Her response, "I just wish Grammie could be alive for one more day, so I could play with her again!" Ugh! Me too, sweet child, me too! She pulls at my heartstrings!
As it came time for the party in celebration of Grammie's life, there was a time for toasts. We had asked ahead of time if there was something she wanted everyone to know about her Grammie. She didn't want to say it aloud but she typed it on the computer and her daddy read it to everyone. I don't have the exact words but it went something like this: "I love my Grammie so much, she is my best friend and we had a lot of fun together."
During that same night, the room had been filled with balloons, our daughter (with some help) collected most of those balloons and we went outside to release them. As the balloons were taking off into the night sky, she exclaims, "Is that the way to where Grammie is?" Yes my child it is :)
The day of the funeral brought many more questions and tough answers. Grammie was creamated but we did not divulge that info as we felt that would be too much for her to handle at that age. She was very intrigued by where Grammie would be buried. We showed her the spot, she wanted to know how they knew how big to dig the hole, we showed her the hole. She then asked, "Why do we bury people in the ground?" Bizare when you think about it, aside from the health reasons and the verse that states, dust to dust and ashes to ashes, I simply replied, "cause that's what we do."
After the funeral, Grammie's urn was brought to the graveside. It was a beautiful square white urn. She quietly asked, "How did Grammie's body get so small to fit in that box?" I said, "that is what size she is now that she has passed away." She then turned to Aunt Pammy, who was with Grammie when she passed and asked, "How did you know that she died?" When I heard that question, my heart stood still as I tried to wrap my mind around what she was thinking at that moment. It was like she needed confirmation that Grammie was really dead and that someone hadn't made a mistake. Thankfully, Aunt Pammy beautifully said, "She took once last breath, and that was it." And that was sufficent for her. As we were closing up the graveside portion, she started to cry and said, "When will I get to see her again and kiss her?" Trying to hold it together, I gently encouraged her to kiss Grammie now one last time. She graciously did and then proceeded to gather grass and leaves to cover her with so she would not be lonely.
Typically, the mortician waits until everyone has left before they place the urn in the ground. However, our daughter needed a little more closure and wanted to see that Grammie was safe in the ground. Thankfully, Mr. Woodside obliged and allowed her to make sure she fit nicely and I told her, "Now Grammie is snug as a bug in there."
Grammie, had the foreknowledge to know that this day would come and she also had the insight to make a build a bear for her with 4 different voice recordings from Grammie. Our daughter thinks this is great but I lose it everytime I hear her voice, esp the one that says, I'm in heaven now and Jesus is taking good care of me!
The saying that children are resilent is SO true and while this has been a trying, challengeing, heartbreaking experience, I pray that it is one that she looks back on with fond memories of her time with Grammie knowing that one day soon she will she her again in heaven. And I continue to rest in that promise and look forward to the day of being united with Christ and reunited with so many of my loved ones!
